You Dont Know Me
by RoseLaurel
Summary: Shunsui harbours deep feelings for Jushiro, but does Jushiro feel the same? And when all goes wrong, can the two of them make things right? Yaoi, Sex, Angst, POSSIBLE CHAR DEATH, rated M for safety.


Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own BLEACH. Tite Kubo does. I only own the storyline… other wise there would be underlying romantic yaoi character plots throughout BLEACH.

I noticed there aren't many Jushiro Shunsui stories with Jushiro as seme… or with a realllly angsty Kyoraku. I think I may have hit a couple of firsts in this story, so please, without further ado, read and enjoy ^_^

He had just gotten back into the sereitei after a meeting…a less than pleasant meeting…when he came across his best friend, his entire world, sprawled on the floor in blood and vomit, white hair drenched in the hideous fluids…

"N…no…J…Juu? Jushiro!..." Scooping him up, it took only 3 steps of his Shunpo to reach the 4th division.

"You'll be ok, Juu…please…please be ok…"

**-3 days later-**

_**I wanna ask you -**_  
_**Do you ever sit and wonder,**_

Shunsui Kyoraku, Captain of the 8th division of the Gotei 13 sat, deep in thought. (You never cease to scare me, Jushiro…and you never cease to amaze me either…I really thought I was going to lose you this time…that attack was so…so much more violent…I know something happened, but you wont tell me…I know that that was no ordinary attack…do you think I'm a fool?...probably…) it was all the tall, dark, handsome man could do not to cry. Yes, cry. Despite his looks and merry, care free attitude…there was more to Shunsui Kyoraku than met the eye. (But no one knows that…do they? Not even you…my best friend…you used to always be able to see through my act, whenever I faked my happiness…what happened, Jushiro? Why can't you see _me_ anymore?) yes. There's always more than meets the eye.

SMACK

Kyoraku yelps as the large book comes into contact with his head. Nanao stood the other side of the large, strangely clean desk, seemingly unaware of the fact it iwas/i clean, rather than its usual appearance of being a paper monster due to the inability of people to even see the desk underneath it.

"What the fuck was that for?" Nanao froze. Her captain rarely ever swore…unless he was swearing at himself, or had done something stupid or painful…but he had never sworn at her…

"I…uh…" She tried to regain her composure "You weren't doing your paperwork, sir…"

"…" (Well…its not like I could do it now anyway…even if I had any. Wish I could be here to see Nanaos face when she realises I've actually done it all for once…but…oh well…)

"I'm going out." I immediately regretted not donning my usual, care free tone when I saw my young lieutenant cringe…She knew something was wrong, (And if she was to catch me on the roof later, she would ask…but she wont. Cause I'm not gonna be there.) Ignoring her shock, Shunsui shunpo'd from his office to that of the 13th Captains.

**_It's so strange_**

He guessed he had expected the usual smile upon striding into the office of Jushiro Ukitake, his lifelong friend. That usual happy, beautiful smile that told the world that no matter what was thrown at him he would take it in his stride, and still help everyone else along the way. The smile that not even his illness could prevent from returning to his delicate pale features.

"Heyy" a sly grin, as per usual, but Jushiro still did not smile. Which was unusual. In the place of the smile, which Shunsui loved and cherished, was a frown. (Indicating something is wrong…oh well, never mind. My plans can wait. I'll always be here for you.) Sitting on the desk next to his companion, Shunsui asks what's wrong.

"Nothing." Shunsui cringed at the harsh tone. A tone he hardly ever used towards his tanned friend, and whenever he did Shunsui, more often than not, knew what he had done to deserve it…

"Aww, Juu…You know you can't hide from me. I know something's wrong." Shunsui smiled reassuringly, knowing his life long friend would eventually open up to him…that is…he usually did…but he didn't usually snap to attention and glare at Shunsui after he offered his help…

"Nothing is wrong, _Captain Kyoraku_" he said, with a low hiss "Now I would appreciate if you would leave me to my work."

"But…Juu, I-"

"Haven't you got some poor helpless women to chase and some drinking to do?"

"…" Shunsui didn't mind the drinking comment. He could have just brushed that off. He did tend to drink a lot, and was surprised that Ukitake hadn't asked or even guessed the reason why. But the other comment…it genuinely hurt, as well as the tone it was said, or rather hissed, in. It was true, he seemed to flirt with women, but it was meaningless flirting. Complements to make them feel better and help them through the day…in his mind, it was a good deed… (But he makes it sound like I'm a pervert or a stalker or some kind of…) Shunsui didn't even want to think it. He would never do that to a woman. Heck, he wouldn't do it to a man or anyone for that matter. (Cant you see? Why is it you can decipher everyone's problems with a glance, but you can't even pick up the traces of mine, even after all these years?)

**_That we could be together for_**  
**_So long, and never know, never care_**  
**_What goes on in the other one's head?_**

(But…I care so much about you…All I want is for you to be happy, Jushiro…that's all I've ever wanted…)

"Jushiro…I want to help you-"

"Well I don't need your help, Captain Kyoraku! Now please leave!" There it was again. The use of his formal title, between 2 that have been friends for over 300 years. That cut deep. Deeper than any blade ever possibly could.

(…strike two…)

"Juu…"

"What the fuck do you want?" It wasn't that Jushiro had snapped. But Shunsui knew his friend well enough to know he was very well mannered, and rarely ever swore. Only on 2 occasions in the last 300 years had he heard Jushiro swear at a person. (But… never to ime/i) His head hung so his bamboo hat covered his eyes, Shunsui nodded and shunpo'd from his old friend's office. (…to the bar it is…)

Jushiro Ukitake sits in his office, staring down at the paper on the desk. {What did I just do…?}

Putting his head in his hands, the white haired man thought over what just happened

{I'll tell you what you did. You just pushed your best friend away for no particular reason.}

But there was a reason…Jushiro just didn't want to admit it.

{For the past 3 days you've pushed him away…and each time it's taken a shorter and shorter amount of time to do it…}

There had been a time when nothing Jushiro said could dissuade his old friend from stealing him away from the office and whisking him off on a picnic, or just a casual stroll. It didn't matter what they did, it always felt…so…_right_.

{And that's the problem. Finally, this illness can be treated to the point it wont be a bother every other day…almost cured completely…and you haven't even itold/i him, have you?}

No. Because Jushiro knew Shunsui would want to take him out to celebrate. Heck, Shunsui would probably even choose Jushiros favourite places, his favourite foods, drinks

{And you're scared.}

He was. The 'great' Captain Jushiro Ukitake of the 13th division of the 13 court guard squads, wielder of one of the only 2 twin-release Zanpakuto, was scared. Of his life long best friend. Because now nothing was stopping him from telling him…

{Nothing was stopping you in the first place. You used your illness as an excuse.}

Maybe it was time Jushiro admitted how he felt…how he _really_ felt…towards his long time friend?

"Even if not that…I still owe him a lot of apologies…"

{And he'll always forgive me…even though I know I don't deserve his forgiveness…why? Why is it, no matter what I do, Shunsui always forgives me? No matter how much I hurt him, he keeps coming back? And then he acts like it was me who had been upset…who had been hurt… and Shunsui would treat me and…} Make him happy. Jushiro always felt better, always felt _happy_ when Shunsui was around…

Shunsui sat at the bar, downing another jug of sake. He wasn't drunk…yet, anyway. (No…I'm not drunk yet…) Jushiro entered pensively, scanning the bar until he caught sight of his friend, who, in turn, had also noticed him. (Or am I?)  
"Shunsui?" said male raises his head in a questioning matter, looking up into black brown eyes with his own stormy grey.

ibThings I've felt but I've never said  
You said things that I never said  
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:/i/b

(I love you…)

"…Jushiro? What are you doing here?" the darker man asked, tilting his head to the side slightly. Said man picked up the straw hat and trademark pink kimono belonging to his friend, and then laid his free hand on Shunsuis shoulder.

"Come on…let's take you home."

"Don't want to. I'm busy." Jushiro was surprised. This wasn't the response he usually got…then again, he didn't usually yell at Shunsui.

"Look…Shunsui I'm sorry…can we please go to somewhere more private so we can talk?" Shunsui sighed and stood, taking his hat and kimono from Jushiro-and almost taking the jug of Sake too, if Jushiro hadn't stopped him-and the pair shunpo'd from the bar and to the Squad 8 barracks, and Shunsuis apartment. Once they were there, Shunsui made Jushiro a cup of tea, and poured himself a glass of 'water'…

"I know that's Sake, Shunsui." Jushiro fixed him with a disapproving gaze

"What of it?" Shunsui shrugged. (Guess I'm only proving you right, ne?) The thought obviously played on Shunsuis expression, because Jushiros gaze softened.

"I didn't mean what I said Shunsui…and I shouldn't have snapped at you. Gomenasai." Jushiro knew that saying please, thank you or sorry in Japanese meant more in Shunsuis mind than saying them in English. He wasn't sure why, but it was a fact he had come to learn. "I should explain myself…"

"No, its ok Jushiro. You don't have to explain yourself." (Its not like its any of my business, is it?...) Even though he was the one who had stuck by Jushiro since their academy days, when they had first met. Again, it was as if Jushiro could read his thoughts.

"But I do, Shun" Shunsui felt a warm feeling in his chest from the age old nickname "I should have told you when I first found out about it…Retsu has a cure for my illness. It won't make it go away completely, but I'll be less bothered by it and it won't get as bad. That last attack you saw was the illness reacting to the medicine…as in, the medicine worked. I'm more or less cured."

"That's…that's great Jushiro!" (But haven't we been through this before somewhere? And then it turns out to be only temporary, and your illness develops immunity?) For the third time, Jushiro read exactly what was on his friends mind.

"Its real this time, Shun." Shunsui smiled. (I'm glad. I'm glad you're happy. All I want is for you to be happy, Jushiro, no matter what…cause if you're smiling, then I don't have to feign my happiness. Cause when you smile my whole world lights up. You can see that…can't you? You can see that as long as you think of me as a friend, as long as you see me as isomething/i more than just a captain or colleague, my life is worth living?) Shunsui was waiting for Jushiro to comment again, to read his thoughts like he seemed to be able to. But he didn't. He couldn't. (No one can read other persons thoughts…but I thought…maybe you knew…)

Jushiro stared across the table at his friend. {Maybe…maybe now I should tell him…but what if he doesn't feel the same?}

(Jushiro…all I want if for you to notice ime/i like you notice everyone else. It's true that you're always there for me…but don't you see…don't you see how I feel about you? All these things I'm hiding?...that I'm afraid…?)

**_(You don't know me)_**  
**_You don't know me at all_**  
**_(You don't know me)_**  
**_You don't know me at all (at all)_**

Jushiros eyes met with Shunsuis, and both just sat there, not breaking eye contact…

Shunsui lifted the sake dish to his lips, eyes still fixed on Jushiro, neither willing to break the little contact they had.

(Why do you torment me so…?) Shunsui had had enough. He still wasn't drunk, but if Jushiro reacted badly, he could pretend to be, ne?

(No. I could never lie to him. But…this is too much…I have to tell him…) Jushiro watched his friend in confusion

{Why is he looking at me like that? Does he know what I want to tell him? Wait…is he drunk?...Shunsui…why can't I read you?} Jushiro was taken out of his thoughts as he felt a pair of soft, warm lips press onto his. At first he was shocked, and it wasn't until Shunsui began to pull away that Jushiros hand found its way to the back of his love's head and pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. After what seemed like a lifetime, but was only a few sweet, short moments, they had to pull away for air.

Jushiro wasn't sure what he wanted at the moment. He blamed the drugs, the medication he had taken before he had come out, for making him feel so high…and he blamed Shunsui for being there. Yes, he was in love with his best friend…but Shunsui was drunk, wasn't he? He didn't want to take advantage of his friend whilst he was drunk, and he himself was drugged…

"Jushiro…I love you" But that did it. Jushiro went in for another fiery kiss, and the pair somehow ended up in Shunsuis bedroom. Jushiro fell back onto the bed, with Shunsui hovering over him, ridding him of his sash. But Jushiro worked faster and quickly ridded Shunsui of all the offending garments hiding him from the 13th squad captains wandering eyes, flipping him over so Shunsui was left looking up into the lustful brown-black gaze.

"Juu…" the nickname was the final straw. Jushiros judgement was clouded by lust, and he no longer wondered about whether or not Shunsui might be drunk, or what the consequences may be in the morning. He wanted the tanned, muscular body that lay underneath him, and he couldn't wait. Shunsui ran his hands along the pale flesh on top of him, tracing each and every muscle that rippled the now naked mans body, and enjoying the small gasps he was getting when he found those oh so pleasurable sensitive spots. Jushiro came down again, capturing Shunsuis lips in a quick kiss, before nipping and kissing trails along his loves jawbone and down his chest, earning soft moans and pleasured gasps from the man beneath him. Tanned hands began to roam, exploring every inch of Jushiros body, before the paler man caught them, pinning them above Shunsuis head, and swooping down to claim his lips.

"I can't wait any longer, Shunsui…" he breathed. Shunsui lifted his head so his lips were next to Jushiros ear, and in an airy, rich, iseductive/i voice

"Then don't."

Jushiro looked at the sleeping form curled next to him, soft, curly brown hair splayed across his pale, muscular chest.

{…Shunsui…}

Shunsui had done everything Jushiro had wanted him to. They had been at it all evening, and into the early hours of the night, and not once has Shunsui complained about the fact he had been the Uke every time, and Jushiro had been the Seme. And it hadn't been until Shunsuis tiredness was blatantly obvious that they had stopped for sleep.

{Blatantly obvious…why hadn't he said anything?...Or the better question, why hadn't I noticed? Of course that was too much for one evening. You were high on your medication and he…}

He had been drunk…hadn't he? Jushiro felt a pang of guilt.

{Jushiro Ukitake…how low can you get? Not only did you just take full advantage of your best friend, but worst of all you know that in the morning he will probably-no, he iwill/i forgive you! He'll probably laugh it off, saying how he's just glad it wasn't some stranger or whatever…cause he trusted you…and you took advantage of him…}

"I should go…" he whispered to himself, climbing out of the double bed and pulling his clothes back on. Deep in thought, and oblivious to anything and everything around him, Jushiro finished getting dressed and made his way towards the door.

"He was drunk…"

{And you took advantage of him. Low, Jushiro. Can you get any lower? First you drive him into depression by pushing him away, and then you let him get drunk so you can get into his pants?}

"Shut up"

{You're ever such a good friend, Jushiro. Taking advantage of the fact he will forgive you for anything}

"He's probably done it with lots of men before…and women, for that matter…"

{Now you're just trying to justify yourself. Cause you know he's not like that, don't you? Oh, yes. You know the reason he gets slapped by random girls on the street isn't cause he knocked them up one night then left them. He's not really like that. Its because they were expecting a night of passion, only to find he isn't the pervert everyone thinks he is and that he prefers to get to know people and have a _deep, meaningful _relationship.}

"…Bastard…" {I'm such a bastard…} Still unable to look at Shunsui, Jushiro turned his back and walked out of the apartment.

Shunsui had woken up when he felt the bed move, and watched as Jushiro slipped out of the bed. (Wonder what he's doing…) confusion set in as he saw Jushiro begin to get dressed, and make his way towards the door.

"He was drunk…"

Was Jushiro talking about him? (Of course he is you idiot! You see anyone else in this room?)

"…Juu?...Where are you going?...I wasn't drunk…I lov-"

"Shut up"

(W…what? Jushiro…) Now he was confused. What was Jushiro doing? It was 3am…

"Jushiro?"

"He's probably done it with lots of men before…and women, for that matter…"

Shunsui felt as if Jushiro had just released his Zanpakuto and shoved both his released forms into his chest, then wrenched them about a bit.

"Jushiro…no, I haven't…I love you, It's always been you…please don't go…"

"…Bastard…" he felt as though Jushiro had just been ignoring him, saying what he needed to say and that was all. He just ignored Shunsuis pleas…and walked out the door.

"…Jushiro…" Shunsui tried to sit up, but the immediate reminder of last nights antics ripped up his lower back, causing him to throw himself back down onto the bed. "…Juu…"

(…I would have done anything for you, Juu…anything you wanted…your wish was my command, didn't I prove that? I did everything you told me to…however you wanted to do it…I obeyed…did I do wrong?...Where…where did I go wrong…)

"…I was born…that's where. That's where everything started going wrong."

(I would have pretended to be anything you wanted me to be…just to make you happy…just so that I could have you, even if I couldn't have you in the way I wanted…)

**_You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin_**  
**_Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)_**  
**_Any face that you wanted me_**  
**_To be seen._**

Jushiro sighed and placed the pen back down on the desk. He had been trying since 4am to do some paperwork, after he realised he couldn't sleep, and it was now 12 noon. And all he had written was his name. Picking up his mug of tea, he took a long sip…and spat it back out again.

"Its cold already? …" suddenly he remembered he had made it when he started the paperwork. An hour after he sat down at his desk.

"Oh…that would be why…" sighing again, Jushiro put the mug down and decided on going for a walk. Perhaps he would visit Retsu? Or Nanao? Yes…yes, that's what he'd do…

Nanao sighed irritably. She had thought long and hard about what had happened between her and her captain yesterday on the roof last night, where she had waited for him until around midnight before returning to bed. It was strange for him not to be up there, but she had thought nothing of it. This morning, however, when she had gone to wake him, she had been shocked further…

_Flash Back_

Nanao approached the door, book in hand, and tapped in her usual manner before calling to her captain.

"Captain! It's 9 o'clock! You're late! Get up you lazy-"

"GO AWAY!" Nanao froze. Her captain's voice had risen, and she could hear the way his voice cracked…

"…Captain?" pressing her ear against the door, she could hear the muffled sobs belonging to the captain of squad 8. Admittedly scared for her superior, she left him be for a while, before he finally arose around 11am.

"Good morning, Captain." Nanao looked up at the approaching figure, which, in place of his usual bounce in his step, was limping slightly.

"Hm? Oh…uh…morning, Lieutenant." Saying Nanao was shocked would be an understatement, and if she hadn't known that her captain was terribly upset she would have fallen off her chair and fainted in astonishment there and then. But that wasn't an option right now.

"…Captain? What's wrong?"

"Nothings wrong, Lieutenant Ise."

"I'm not blind or stupid, Captain. I can see something is upsetting you, and if you want to talk about it I-"

"Can't you just mind your own bloody business!" Nanao winced at the harsh tone, and tried to hide her upset. He had never cursed her before, nor would he yell…yet this would be the second time in only 2 days…Shunsui looked at her, realising how harsh he had been…after all, it wasn't her fault…(Its not her fault I'm not good enough…)

"Gomenasai, Nanao-san…" Nanaos frightened eyes rose to meet her captains…[wait…did he just call me Nanaoi-_san_!]

"Captain…please, I only want to help you." Shunsui was about to say he didn't need help, but that line was all too familiar… (She respects you, you idiot. And you're pushing her away…just like he did to you…)

"Nanao…sweet sweet Nanao-chan…" Nanao chose to ignore the nickname, as it was not said with as much heart as usual "I'm just so…tired…and…in pain…" Nanao was stunned, she hadn't really expected her captain to open up so quickly…wait…in _Pain_!

"Pain? Captain, what's wrong?" Shunsui fixed Nanao with an appreciative gaze

"It's…its just…" then he looked at the clock "I have somewhere I have to be at the moment…can…can we talk later?" Nanao debates forcing him to tell her that instant, then realises he actually iasked/i if they could talk later. Which, technically, meant he was _asking_ for help…which meant something was bdefinitely/b wrong. And with that, Shunsui shunpo'd off…only his Shunpo was much, imuch/i slower than usual…

_Flashback end_

Shunsui returned to his barracks around 12:30 pm, after spending around an hour at the 'meeting' he had been called to. He could feel his mood weighing down his feet, though the pain in his lower back had almost completely vanished now…more or less. Upon entering his barracks he headed straight for the office, where he knew Nanao would be residing. Though when he got there, Nanao was not alone…

"…Jushiro?" Shunsui had to admit, he was glad to see Jushiro. Maybe he had come to apologise for what he had said? Even if he hadn't, Shunsui was more than willing to forgive him, if only he would be there for him now…(I just need you now…please…anyone...help me…) Jushiro saw Shunsui and, bidding a quick goodbye to Nanao, headed to the door.

"Jushiro, wait-"

"I am busy, Captain Kyoraku. Maybe another time when I am less so." And with that, he was gone. (… "Captain Kyoraku"? Is that what it's come down to now? I guess…I really have messed up…)

"…Captain?...Would you like to talk now?"

"…Not at the moment, Nanao…" (And I guess…not ever…) Shunsui turned and made his way up to the roof.

Nanao watched the retreating figure of her captain nervously. She had heard what Captain Ukitake had said and, though she was sure Ukitake didn't know it, whenever something happened between her captain and the captain of the 13th squad, Kyoraku always sulked to his room, depressed. Maybe she should follow…5 minutes after her captain had left the room; Nanao got up from her desk and headed to his apartment. Only…when she got there, he was nowhere to be found.

"The roof…I should try the roof…" Nanao started walking, then broke into a run. And sure enough, Nanao found the 8th Squad captain on the roof. 10 minutes after he had disappeared from the office.

Oh, what a person can do in 10 minutes.

"You there! Send for the fourth division! HURRY!" Nanao screamed at the squad members down below.

"Captain…captain? Can you hear me?" Kneeling down besides the pale captain, Nanao could not hide her horror as she saw how much blood was pouring from her captains stomach and chest, where his own Zanpakuto had been driven through his flesh.

"N…na…nao?..." the tanned males eyes cracked open, peering at the black haired girl knelt next to him.

"Captain! Don't worry, Captain. The 4th division will be here soon."

"N…no…l….lea…ve…me…be…" her suspicions, and her worst nightmare had been confirmed. The cheerful, carefree-and yes, she admits-caring, loving captain of the 8th squad, who's cheerful mood was always contagious, who could always brighten up someone's day, who never [Never…] seemed to have any problems…had attempted to take his own life.

"…Captain…why?...Why would you do this to yourself…and your Zanpakuto…" [You always said suicide was not the way to go…that one should die with honour…and to use ones own Zanpakuto against them was an unthinkable crime…]

"I gue…ss…i…m….just…a…hyp…ocrite…ne?"

"No…no, captain you're not."

"I…cou…ldn't…take it…N…a…nao…i…it…hurt…too…much…" Nanao looked at her captain sadly. She could see the pain in his eyes…she could hear his Zanpakuto screaming…but…she was sure that the pain he spoke of wasn't from his self-inflicted wounds…

"Why didn't you talk to me captain? You could have come to me…" [Of course he couldn't. You've never made yourself look like an approachable person.]

"N…nanao…sweet…sweet…na…nao…chan…please…don't blame…yourself…" Nanao looked down into her captains eyes again.

"But why captain…wait…was it Captain Ukitake?" She could see the stormy grey eyes she had thought she knew so well darken in pain at the mention of his name. "…it was, wasn't it?...Captain…save your breath for now, but you have to pull through…then you can tell me what happened."

"…no…please…don't make me…go…through…the…pa…in…ag…ai…n" He was getting weaker and weaker by the minute. Nanao had done her best to slow the bleeding, but now it was up to the 4th…

Retsu sighed. Luckily Shunsui had been indecisive, and had missed his heart and lungs with the blade he had put through his chest. Unfortunately he seemed to have made his mind up with the second blade, and had put the longest of his Daisho pair into his lower intestine, nearly severing it in 2. She had managed to stabilise him, but she couldn't help but wonder what had happened. She had known Shunsui since the academy…and despite appearances, they were pretty close. At least…she had thought they were close…Jushiro was supposed to be the one who knew him the best. And yet…where was Jushiro? Surely he had felt Shunsuis fluctuating spiritual pressure…Jushiro always sensed Shunsui before anyone else. So why wasn't he here? Retsu went to comfort Nanao, and soon found out everything Nanao knew about how Shunsui had acted, and how Jushiro had addressed him formally and that was just before Shunsui had tried to kill himself. The 4th division captain just nodded and let Nanao go with Isane to calm down.

"So you've let him get to you this much?" Retsu knew of Shunsuis feelings for Jushiro. She had tricked him into revealing them some time ago. She also knew how Jushiro felt towards Shunsui. It was ironic. But what could have happened to result in this?

Retsu couldn't believe it. Shunsui had woken up a few hours after his operation, the first thing he had stated was that he 'couldn't do anything right.' he 'couldn't even commit suicide without failing'. To hear these words coming from someone who had always been so light-hearted and joyful…it broke her heart. Herself, Jushiro and, despite his roguishness, Shunsui had been close friends in the academy, and their friendship had grown in captaincy, despite their apparent distance. They often visited each other and went out places as a group…and too see Shunsui, the one who always lightened the mood when she or Jushiro felt down, reduced to this…And then he had told her parts of what had happened…and she could fill in the rest. First Jushiro had pushed him away, then Jushiro appeared to love him and he tried to show he would do anything for his white haired companion…and then as soon as Shunsui had thought everything was ok, he was pushed away again. But what else had happened? Sighing, she looked through the glass window to Shunsuis room and watched as he sifted through the tray of items that had been found in his pockets and cleaned up. Shunsuis eyes, which now revealed rather than hid the pain, the storm raging inside of him, seemed to linger on one particular item. He took out a folded document. It was an important looking document, which he unfolded not with care, but with uncertainty. Retsu watched him in confusion as he seemed to read over the document and a lone tear strayed down his cheek…then she leapt into action as she felt his reiatsu pulse angrily…

Jushiro made his way up to the 2nd floor and along the corridor to the room Shunsui was being kept in. He had no idea what had happened, only that Shunsui had been in hospital since around 12:45 that afternoon…it was now 7:00pm. {He usually tries to escape by now…he can't be that seriously wounded…can he?}

"Jushiro!" looking up, Jushiros eyes rose to meet Retsus.

"Retsu…how is he?" much to his surprise, Retsu seemed to snort. The least lady like thing he had ever heard or seen her do.

"How do you _expect_ him to be, Jushiro?" Jushiro was quite taken back by Retsus tone.

"I don't understand…what happened to him?" Retsu couldn't help but feel angry. Although most people saw her to be closer to Jushiro, and to dislike Shunsui due to his 'flirting', Shunsuis compliments did actually make her feel better most of the time, and right now Jushiro wasn't the one in trouble. Shunsui was. And as far as she could see, it was mostly Jushiros fault.

"You don't know…you don't even know, yet you call yourself his best friend?" Retsu sighed angrily and shook her head. "You are so damn naive, Jushiro…" Sitting him down, Retsu explained to him what she knew before producing the document she had taken from Shunsui earlier.

"And then…there is this."

"…What is it?"

"A document of noble rights from the Kyoraku family. Shunsuis family have disowned him."

"What!" Jushiro was shocked. {How could they! How **DARE **they!}

"According to Nanao, when he came back from his meeting, which would seem to have been a meeting with his family, and you know the kind of things they say to him…" Jushiro did. {They usually tell him he's no good to anyone…that they have no idea how he made captain, and he's a waste of space…}

"And I addressed him formally…" Retsu nodded.

"To him, the person he cares most about in the world saw him as nothing but a captain. And he keeps being told he's no good as a captain, so he thinks he means nothing to anyone. And with the way you acted, I'm not surprised he feels that way." Retsu shook her head "You couldn't see that he loves you if he had a hundred neon signs around him saying it."

"…he…loves me?" Jushiro stared at the now sleeping tanned figure laid in the hospital bed, machines bleeping all around him.

_**We're**_  
_**Damned by the existential moment where**_  
_**We saw the couple in the coma and**_  
_**It was we were the cliché,**_  
_**But we carried on anyway.**_

(…Who am I? They call me Captain Kyoraku…but how can I be Captain Kyoraku, when I'm no longer a Kyoraku?...they disowned me…I guess I should've seen it coming…my father…the guy who used to be my father…technically he still is my father, right? I mean…I didn't just sprout out of the ground or anything…but anyway…he's been threatening it since my days in the academy…but why _now_?...)

Opening up the document again, Shunsuis eyes wandered over the elegantly shaped lettering as he walked. He had just escaped the 4th division. As in escaped. As in escaped without permission. He knew Retsu would be furious, as per usual, especially as he had broken that annoying beeping machine that had irritated him…but he also knew that after what he had done he would not be allowed to walk the streets alone for a while. And at the moment, he needed to be alone…to clear his head…

(I can barely remember what happened…just the screaming…the shouting…fire…you were burning my stuff before I even got there…and I was even there _early_!...My room…you had given my room to a dog…)

"Heh…I guess that says a lot, ne? Your lap dog has taken over my place, and I'm just a stray…" No matter how he tried to shrug it off, act as though it didn't bother him…it did. He had never been particularly close to his parents, or his older brother…but they were still his family. He still bore the clan name, and he was quite close to his aunt…who had died just a few weeks before…hn. That had been what the meeting was for the day Jushiro collapsed with that 'last' attack…the start of all this…he wouldn't be surprised if it had been his aunt that had prevented his 'father' from disowning him before…

(Why…)

Shunsui soon found himself sitting under a tree, tears pricking at his now dull grey eyes. He had failed to kill himself…now he couldn't win either way. If he died, people would think him a coward…he would be proving everyone who ever doubted him right…but if he lived…he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't pretend to be happy. What would people think of him, now that all they saw was a miserable old captain who did nothing but sit around and drink? Sighing, Shunsui closed his eyes, as Retsu had once told him to what seemed so long ago, and tried to find a happy place…heh. A Happy Place. That made him sound so…_mad_…

(I Always liked that one spot…that one particular spot…with the sakura blossoms, and the beautiful view of the fields and mountains just beyond the Rukongai…it was there we made a promise…a deep, meaningful promise that could never, _should never_ be broken…) Shunsui found himself choking on sobs that begged to be released…he couldn't think about that anymore…it was too painful…

**_So, sure, I could just close my eyes._**

He wanted to close his eyes. To forget everything, rather than remember…but he just…_couldn't_…

**_Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,_**

He could remember every part of Jushiro…every muscle, every scar…everything. Why? Why couldn't he just forget all that had happened…forget everything until he could start a new, clean slate…

(because no slate is clean. No matter what you do.)

He could remember it all so well, it was as if the pale man that had haunted his every dream and every waking moment was walking towards him right now…

"Shunsui?" …oh, if only it had been his imagination…

Shunsui couldn't bear to look up into those black brown eyes he knew so well, and the pain in his chest wrenched and swelled with every step closer the white haired beauty took towards him…

"Shunsui…what are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be in hospital?..." (…should I? Where should I be?...its not like I belong anywhere…not anymore…)

It was frightening how clear the pain and heartache was in those stormy grey orbs Jushiro had thought he knew so well.

"Shunsui…what are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be in hospital?..."

{Who are you to be telling him that? It was you who bloody well put him there in the first place!} Shunsui stayed silent, and Jushiro crouched quietly in front of him.

"…We have a lot to talk about, haven't we?" It was a fact, not a question... but nevertheless, Shunsui answered it with

"No. There's nothing left to discuss." Jushiro was shocked with this response. It wasn't so much what had been said, but the hollow tone and how blunt he had said it…and his eyes…Shunsui had said the phrase before, but this was the true emotion he had always hidden when he said it…wasn't it? This was everything that Jushiro had missed in those long conversations…well…it may not be _everything_…

{I _want_ to get to know you, Shunsui…but I guess it's too late now, isn't it? I've blown my chance of ever having you…of ever _truly_ knowing you…}

**_But can you go back once you know_**

Jushiro looked at his friend sadly.

{I reduced him to this…but now…now I need to help him. Before it's too late.}

"…Shunsui…" Shunsui looked up at the man before him, the deep black/brown eyes dulling with the dawn of realisation as the white haired man looked upon him.

(…Jushiro…)

_**(You don't know me)**_  
_**You don't know me at all**_  
_**(You don't know me)**_  
_**You don't know me at all (at all)**_

The silence that stretched between the pair spoke more than a thousand words ever could.

{There's no chance of being forgiven this time…is there?}

(Why weren't you there when I needed you?)

{I'm sorry…I was confused}

(**You're** the one who walked out on **me**.)

{…I know…and it was the biggest mistake of my life…}

(…Why did you come and find me?)

{…}

"…Shunsui…I know I haven't been much of a friend but…I…I want to get to know you again…"

"…Why?" Jushiro stared at the man facing him, unsure of what to say…

"Shunsui Kyoraku, you should _not_ be out of hospital." Retsu stood just behind Jushiro, looking down at the tanned male.

"…I needed some air…" Retsu shook her head, unwilling to argue, before helping Shunsui up and escorting him back to the 4th division.

(Perhaps…it's better this way…)

Shunsui sat in the window seat starting out from his apartment onto the squad 8 courtyard, where his newest recruits were being trained by his 3rd seat. Usually, he would train with them…but he couldn't face anyone at the moment. He had lost his nerve…his spontaneity…his _willpower_. In the kitchen, Nanao could be heard making him breakfast. He had said he could make himself some cereal, but she was having none of it, and insisted she make him something…not that he had a clue _what _she was actually doing in there…and he daren't look, either. He jumped out of his thoughts when there was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it"

"No, no Nanao. I am perfectly capable of opening my own door." (At least let me do that much…) Getting up slowly, he made his way towards the door and slid it open, revealing…

**_(You don't know me)_**  
**_You don't know me at all_**  
**_(You don't know me)_**  
**_You don't know me_**

No one. Confused, Shunsui began to feel for spiritual pressure, but he was still weakened from earlier escapades, and besides…this person was evidently very good at hiding his or her reiatsu. By his feet, however, was a small basket filled with various fruits, and a purple ribbon tied around the handle. It was addressed to him, so he picked it up warily and took it inside. Mangoes, Peaches, a Pineapple…melon…(all my favourite fruits…? I wonder who sent this…Retsu? But why would she disappear straight after, and hide her spiritual pressure?...hmm…)

"Captain?" Nanao coughed from the smoke filled kitchen "I think I burnt the bacon…but the eggs are ok." More smoke came from the kitchen "…or not…" Shunsui smiled wearily up at his lieutenant from his new place on the sofa.

"That's ok Nanao…I think I might have some fruit for breakfast…"

This went on for a number of days. Random gifts varying from fruit, to chocolate and CDs, even flowers, each with the same note and a colourful ribbon attached to them each time.

'Gomenasai' Shunsui read over the note again. A single word, yet all the emotion such a word could muster was unbelievable. (Could it be…no…he wouldn't remember that I like all this…would he?) Shunsui was pondering who could be sending him these gifts and notes, when the door-which was open a crack to let some air into the room, as Nanao had forbidden he open his windows-creaked slightly as it slid open another millimetre or so, and 2 flowers tied together with 2 ribbons, one was yellow and light green, the other red and white. Shunsui picked up the flowers.

"…A Bird Of Paradise…and a Summer Snowflake…so it is you…but…why…" sliding the door open slowly, the white haired 13th Captain of the Gotei 13 was revealed, standing on the other side.

"Because…" said man reached out gradually, carefully, and moved the note so it rest upon Shunsuis hand, the beautifully shaped lettering spelling out that same single word he had read over so many times before. "I am."

**_If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)_**  
**_Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)_**  
**_So easily led astray,_**  
**_An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then_**  
**_Why the fuck would you want me back?_**

"…Would you like to come in?"

"Only if you don't mind?"

"If I minded I wouldn't have offered."

"…Fair enough."

**_Maybe it's because _**

Jushiro sat one side of the beautifully crafted coffee table. Shunsui sat opposite, each with a cup of tea in front on them. To Jushiros surprise, Shunsui found a small vase for the flowers, and placed them in the middle of the table.

(You don't know me at all)

**_Ahhh ah_**  
**_Ahhh ah_**

**_(You don't know me,_**  
**_you don't know me.) _**

**_Ahhh ah_**  
**_Ahhh ah_**

They sat there in silence for a while. Neither wanting to break the first comfortable silence they've had since that day, but both wanting to voice the thoughts and questions racing through their minds.

"Iwchaymaerteoysoauyhiemrseo?r?ry." both spoke at the same time, neither being able to understand the others comment over their own. The silence fell again but Shunsui was the first to break it, again to Jushiros surprise.

"You first." Jushiro looked at the tanned male opposite him, and Shunsui could see the truth, the pure honesty, glistening within the pale mans dark orbs.

"I came to say I'm sorry."

"…But why?" Jushiro leaned forward and risked placing a hand on Shunsuis own.

"Because I've been blind and wasn't there when you needed me most. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts and non existent problems and…" Jushiro took a deep breath. Shunsui had never liked long lectures or drawn out apologies, so he decided there was only one way to get all he felt off of his chest.

**_So, what I'm trying to say is_**  
**_What (What?)_**  
**_I'm trying to tell you_**  
**_It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it._**  
**_(Say it.)_**

"I love you." Shunsui looked up wide eyed at the white haired male before him. (…He does?...then why…) "I should never have walked away, it was the stupidest, most idiotic, the absolute _worst_ mistake of my life, Shunsui. Because by doing that…I lost you…"

**_(You don't know me)_**  
**_You don't know me at all_**  
**_(You don't know me)_**  
**_You don't know me at all (at all) _**

Shunsui gazed into those sincere, beautiful black/brown orbs he had come to love, and knew Jushiros heart lay in the words he had just said. (…The Bird Of Paradise represents me…the Summer Snowflake represents you…the ribbons…Yellow stands for happiness and friendship, and light green is life and friendship… Red and White is love and purity…silly Jushiro…you always did like your symbolism…)

**_(You don't know me)_**  
**_You don't know me at all_**  
**_(You don't know me)_**  
**_You don't know me at all (at all)_**

"…You can't get rid of me that easily Jushiro…cause…" calm, glittering grey eyes rose to meet those of the 13th captain "I love you too. Always have…always will."

**_What?_**

Jushiro moved slowly around the table, as if in a trance, never breaking eye contact with the beautiful man in front of him, before pulling him onto his lap and into a long, sweet kiss that seemed to erase any and every doubt in their minds.

"I want to know you" Shunsui wrapped his arms around his loves neck as he felt a pair of slender arms circle his waist.

"Then I'm yours to know." Jushiro smiled and nuzzled Shunsuis neck affectionately

"Please…promise me you won't try anything like _that_ again…" Shunsui didn't need to question what he was referring to, feeling one gentle hand ghost over the scars under his robes.

"I promise."

"…Mine?"

"Always." The couple shared another passionate kiss, and both couldn't help but feel everything was finally as it should be. They were together at last, and nothing would come between them again.

**_(Mmmm, ohh oh_**  
**_Ah ah ah ah ah_**  
**_Aha ah ah ah_**  
**_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah_**  
**_Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh_**  
**_Aha ah_**  
**_Ah ah_**  
**_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah_**  
**_Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)_**

A/N

Well, I hope you enjoyed that little rollercoaster… I've re-published it to include these authors notes lol. There will be a sequel – which is being typed as we speak!

Please review, I love to hear what people think, for it is those few people who care enough to review that I'm writing for! :D

ARGH! Had to reload AGAIN cause the bloody Bolds and Italics didnt show up T_T its a hard life, ne?


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